Rayees Ahmad Kumar
In Islamic perspective marriage is a legal and social contract between two individuals. Marriage is an act of Islam and is strongly recommended. Marriage is an important part of building healthy and protective relationships. Holy prophet (PBUH) said “Marriage is a part of my sunnah, and whoever does not follow my sunnah has nothing to do with me” . Prophet (PBUH) further says “Get married, for i will boast of your great numbers before the nations. Whoever has the means, let him get married and whoever does not, then he should fast for it will diminish his desire”.
It is an inherent wish of every parent whenever their children are grown-up and they enter in the phase of puberty, to seek for them a good better half. Different parents aspire differently for their children so far as their tying of nuptials are concerned, so are the aspirations of their children as well. Some give priority to beauty, some to wealth and some spend years to seek the life partner who is a government servant. A minimal percentage of people give preference to good virtues while searching for a spouse. Whatever the aspirations or preferences from both the sides, a marriage is somehow done. After marriage, a challenging environment for both the individuals who get married encompasses them and they are utilising their all efforts, wisdom, experience and advices to come out of these challenges with flying colours. But despite all their good efforts which they put in place to keep their post married life stress free and joyous, most couples especially newly married ones prove unsuccessful. Why! because the reasons are many. Earlier it was held that it is only a woman who faces most problems in her new home regarding her adjustment in the new place, judging the taste, likes and dislikes of the family members of her spouse and then reacts accordingly or to remain contended with whatever environment she is provided there. The autocratic type of behaviour of her mother in law, sister in law, father in law etc all makes the new comer a dejected like individual. She feels alienated, lonely and often depressed when her voice isn’t heard or when she is taken for granted every time by her in-laws. Every time she is reminded of the love, respect and status, she used to receive at her own home at the hands of her father, mother and other siblings. A number of times the situation has become so gruesome that many women were forced to commit suicide or followed another way to get rid of this trauma. So realizing the gravity of miseries of female folk which they face post marriage, governments at various levels legislated the laws to overcome such incidents. Domestic Violence Act is one such law. However this thought that only women face problems and have to adjust a lot after marriage holds good for men too. They have their own struggles to face. Post marriage you are the most important person in your wife’s life and vice versa. Spend time with her, listen to her views, empathies with her problems and give her your wholehearted support. Their healthy life starts only with giving each other a lot of love, respect and attention. Somehow God forbid if this doesn’t suit man’s own father, mother, sisters and brothers or they do not understand that he (Their son) now has the responsibility of handling her spouse and she is only there because of him and her every issue must be handled or sorted primarily by her husband then the situation starts to take an ugly turn. This not only makes the wife dejected and alienated but men too become traumatic. His wife doesn’t possess the guts or she feels hapless to counterattack her in-laws, instead she always broadcasts her painful story only to her husband who realizing the duties to his parents or siblings always tries to make his wife believe that with the passage of some time, things would be OK. However after the expiry of time if situation doesn’t normalize, things get worsened. The sacred relationship between the two individuals get weak sometimes leads to divorce. Which according to prophet (PBUH) is the most hateful thing that is permissible.
A husband can prove himself a sincere son/ brother of his parents and siblings only when they also support him in his new life. Thousands of families have got and are presently also getting shattered only due to misunderstanding from both the sides.
Sometimes the wives too are devoid of cognitive development or they unreasonably put unnecessary pressure on their spouses due to their bad intentions of seeking a separate family comprising the spouses and their children only because they regard it a burden to accommodate the parents and siblings of her husband. At this disastrous situation also it is the man who is hurt most. Because in one way he wants to prove himself a most sincere son of his parents, a good brother of his brothers/ sisters and in the other way he doesn’t like to loose his wife and children too. Most people are of the view that it is upto a husband to keep balanced relations with both his family members and his wife in order to maintain and keep the whole home/ family together and united. I am a strong critique of this thought and whole heartedly negate it. Unless his own parents and siblings don’t treat her daughter in law or sister in law like they treat their own daughter or sister, it is very difficult like to climb the mount Everest for husband to maintain the relations intact and to protect the whole family from getting shattered. A husband can prove himself a sincere son/ brother of his parents and siblings only when they also support him in his new life. Thousands of families have got and are presently also getting shattered only due to misunderstanding from both the sides. So how can we overcome this Himalayan big problem which is engulfing most men post marriage especially in the valley? The ultimate and perfect solution lies in the Islamic teachings of our dearest prophet (PBUH). He said “Best among you is the one who is good to his wife. I (PBUH) have been the best among you with my wives”. He (PBUH) nicely has shown us the rights and duties of children and the parents. How a son/ daughter has to obey his / her parents. How parents should treat their children. How a daughter in-law should be treated in her new home by her new family members. How she (daughter in-law) also should treat her father in law, mother in law, sister and brother in law etc. If these sacred rules which are applicable for all ages to come are followed in letter and spirit, our homes will not be less than the heaven. There the husband feels stress free, daughter in-law forgets her own parents, siblings and the place which she left only to get married. Need of the hour is to give it a practical shape in order to save ourselves and our families.
(Author teaches at Govt BHS Anderwan Ganderbal. Views are his own) [email protected]