A reflection of a Shar-Pasandin Kashmiri society.
Obeida Ashraf
Every society has its silent builders and its hidden destroyers. Builders work quietly to strengthen relationships, nurture trust, and create harmony. Destroyers operate differently. They smile in public gatherings, speak with authority in community meetings, and present themselves as guardians of social order. Yet behind the polished exterior often lies a deeply troubling character. In many Kashmiri neighbourhoods such a figure exists, not as an outsider, but as someone living among us.
The personality being described is not fictional. One may find such a person in almost every locality. He or she is rarely poor or desperate. More often the person appears socially established, married, with grown children, respected in appearance and seemingly well-informed about every affair of the community. People consult him or her about business matters, marriage negotiations, family disputes and neighbourhood issues. The voice carries weight. But the authority is often an illusion carefully constructed over time.
At first glance the person appears helpful. He or she claims to know everyone and everything. There is always information to share, advice to offer, and opinions to deliver. Gradually people begin to assume that no important matter can proceed without this person’s input. Yet a closer look reveals that the influence does not rest on wisdom or sincerity. It survives on intrigue, manipulation and subtle interference.
One of the most damaging areas where such behaviour appears is in business. In Kashmir’s trading networks, whether in markets, horticulture, transport or small construction ventures, trust remains the backbone of transactions. Many agreements still rely on reputation rather than written contracts. This environment allows the manipulative personality to thrive.
He or she presents themselves as a middle figure who understands both sides. The promise is simple: connections will be made, misunderstandings resolved, and profitable deals arranged. But behind the scenes the story can be very different. One party may be told that the other is unreliable. Prices may be quietly inflated. Opportunities may be redirected toward preferred acquaintances. When disagreements emerge and partnerships collapse, the individual quietly steps aside with an expression of innocence. The business relationship is damaged, yet the reputation of the meddler somehow survives.If business manipulation causes financial loss, interference in marriages can cause deeper wounds.
Marriage in Kashmiri society is more than a personal decision between two individuals. It is a relationship between families, built after careful inquiry, long conversations and a sense of shared trust. Unfortunately, this sensitive process often becomes fertile ground for rumour and suspicion.
The meddling personality frequently claims to possess “inside knowledge.” He or she whispers doubts about a prospective bride or groom. Minor issues are exaggerated, harmless details are twisted, and sometimes entire stories are invented. The advice is presented as concern for the family’s wellbeing. In reality it spreads uncertainty and fear.
Even after marriages are successfully arranged, the interference may continue. Instead of encouraging patience and understanding, the person becomes an interpreter of every small disagreement. A simple misunderstanding between husband and wife is retold as evidence of deep conflict. Conversations are distorted, rumours travel quickly, and families who once celebrated together begin to suspect each other. Sadly, there have been cases where such whisper campaigns help push relationships toward separation or divorce. A disturbing question then arises, why would anyone enjoy creating such tension?
“Kashmir’s moral strength against gossip relies on collective awareness and the refusal to validate rumors. Society must protect family dignity by consciously denying a stage to those who thrive on social interference.”
Part of the answer lies in psychology. Some individuals derive satisfaction from controlling narratives and influencing outcomes. When disputes arise, they position themselves as commentators and advisers. In a strange way, the conflict itself becomes the stage on which they perform their importance. Another factor is the structure of informal power in traditional communities. Kashmiri society, like many others, respects age, experience and confident speech. These are valuable qualities when combined with wisdom and integrity. But in the hands of manipulative personalities they can become instruments of quiet domination.
Modern communication has also strengthened this problem. Rumours that once travelled slowly through tea-shop conversations now move instantly through mobile phones and social media messages. A single careless statement can reach dozens of homes within minutes. What used to be a whisper in a street corner can now echo across entire neighbourhoods. It would be unfair, however, to place all blame on individuals. Societies themselves sometimes create the conditions that allow such personalities to flourish. When people accept gossip without verification, when private family matters are discussed publicly, and when loud opinions are mistaken for wisdom, the influence of such characters grows stronger. Kashmiri culture historically emphasises dignity, restraint and responsibility in speech. Religious and moral traditions repeatedly remind people that words can heal relationships or destroy them. A careless accusation or an invented rumour can damage reputations that took decades to build.
The challenge therefore Is not only to identify destructive behaviour but also to cultivate collective awareness. Families must verify information before believing it. Business partners should rely on transparency rather than informal middle figures. Most importantly, communities must learn to protect personal matters, particularly marriages, from unnecessary outside commentary.
There is also a need to distinguish between genuine well-wishers and habitual meddlers. A sincere adviser speaks carefully, respects privacy and encourages reconciliation. The destructive personality thrives on speculation, publicity and constant involvement in other people’s lives.In truth, the figure described here is less a single individual and more a social mirror. It reminds us that harm rarely arrives openly. Often it appears disguised as concern, advice or friendship.
Kashmir, with its deep traditions of mutual respect and social dignity, possesses the moral strength to resist such tendencies. But that strength depends on awareness. Communities must develop the courage to question rumours, the wisdom to protect family dignity and the discipline to avoid becoming participants in cycles of gossip. For such personalities will always exist. The real question is whether society allows them to influence relationships, or quietly denies them the stage on which they thrive.
(The author is a teacher by profession. The views, opinions and conclusions expressed in this article are those of the author and aren’t necessarily in accord with the views of “Kashmir Horizon”)
