What do we owe to the people we once were, and to the people who walked
beside us? In a place full of paradoxe, there is no certain answer to that question, where people hold polar beliefs even on matters of the simplest nature. But the question that lingers, that quietly unsettles me, is: what do we do when we suddenly no longer feel connected to the people who once felt like a cozy winter sweater or a warm embrace? What do we make of ourselves when that feeling fades? The people we once couldn’t go a day without hardly ever cross our minds. Does being this way make us paranoid, or are we truly the villains of the story? From the standpoint of someone who has grown apart from nearly everyone they were once close with, it can certainly feel that way, like stepping into a role straight out of a Shakespeare play. Some might even say you are alone because you can’t maintain friendships, because you have changed, because you are difficult to be with, because you no longer fit the molds they expect. And yet, more often than not, it isn’t really anyone’s fault. You don’t fit into the same patterns, the same clothes from your childhood. You don’t necessarily enjoy the rom-coms you once adored or perhaps they still hold a place in your heart, but they no longer mean everything to you.
The people you once thought would stay with you forever might now be the ones you only reach out to when something life-changing occurs, if at all. That is not to say you changed in the way people imply when they guilt-trip you. Change is natural, obvious, and inevitable. You cease to bond over the same things, ideas, or people you once cherished, sometimes even forgetting what it felt like to be with them. And that’s okay. This should not be seen as separation, but as growth. However it happens, for whatever reason it happens, it is so. Even so, you should not feel guilty for growing, for setting boundaries.
“Outgrowing isn’t ingratitude or punishment; it’s preservation. It demands you shed what no longer aligns with who you’re becoming, even if it’s people and places you once loved deeply. When something no longer fits, embrace gratitude over guilt and appreciation over resentment.”
Boundaries should never be mistaken for cruelty. They are not a burden, nor a punishment. They are a step beyond comfort, a subtle stretch into unfamiliar waters, and this journey will test you in ways both small and profound. People will call you “selfish,” “hard to deal with,” “difficult,” or even gaslight you by claiming nobody else seems to have the same struggles. And I know there is hardly a feeling worse than that. Relationships end, and this is often the most painful chapter. You can never be the same after a betrayal. You may feel guilty for not letting go, guilty for doubting, guilty for being suspicious of everything, guilty for not forgiving. But this is inevitable. Every betrayal, no matter how small, every lie, no matter how harmless, leaves its mark. You are not wrong if
you never give that person the same space or trust again. Because if the roles were reversed, they wouldn’t be there either.Time and again, people will make you feel like a villain this time not from Shakespeare, but from Oscar Wilde’s world. Yet it is precisely this discomfort that becomes essential for growth. We, as humans, have a natural tendency to evolve not just biologically, but psychologically, emotionally, spiritually. You don’t leave because you harbor hatred, or hold grudges, or because you are unforgiving. You leave because staying would mean dishonoring yourself. Outgrowing is not ingratitude. Outgrowing is not punishment. Outgrowing is preservation it demands sacrifice, and it requires shedding what no longer aligns with who you are becoming. These are the places and people we love deeply, but not forever. So, when the sweater no longer fits, when the warm embrace feels unfamiliar, when you find yourself at a crossroads, take it all in, but choose gratitude over guilt, appreciation over resentment. Dance in the rain of growth, for it is the soul’s season. As Rilke said, “The only journey is the one within.” Perhaps that is the truth of it: outgrowing
is not about abandoning others, but about honoring the path of becoming more fully yourself.
(The author is a student of law at Kashmir University, Srinagar. The views, opinions and conclusions expressed in this article are those of the author and aren’t necessarily in accord with the views of “Kashmir Horizon”)
Marjeena Bashir
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