February 14, 2020

The Sarcastic Kashmiri Am l?

Mir Abass, Aurangzeb Aarif
Life! In Kashmir is always on adventurous or analytics part. There is an exemplary proportion of conspiracy and all know how specialists among us, who can make you, feel amused and confused. The show of your normal day will start with humorous glitches and amazing free advices, people will never let you get bored and will even take their clothes off to protect you, but once they get enraged, then you have to taste some music also from them. It was a day of experience when some fly got inside my ear and sang its music for whole night. Scary! Decided to consult doctor, I got in queue to buy a consultation ticket. While I was waiting for my turn to get the ticket, one of the guy got impatient in queue for his turn, suddenly he started to cater his analysis for ticket vending guy. Hey! You back door entry job grabber, how much did you pay to get this job? How incompetent and lazy are you, this department is filled with illiterate workers. On Second analysis came the spat of abuses on politicians who as per his adventurous analysis got ticket vending guy recruited in such hospital. Puzzled I moved my head backwards to visualize the analyst of my queue; he caught the moment of eye copulation between us and broke the romance with a jiggle. Hey! What are you looking at me, what wrong have I said, let me reach to the ticket counter guy and I will make him spill the beans of his recruitment. Finally I got my ticket in hand and came the turn of analyst, I thought it would be a heck wreck between them but it landed into an affectionate smoothie. Impatient analyst greeted him with strange shift of confused anger to meek smile, he clarified his stand on autonomous will by saying that he was talking about general corruption menace in Kashmir and not targeting his selection caliber. I was wondering with wide open eyes at the analyst who changed his stance of judgment with a blink of eye. Parting my ways from the queue and I rushed towards the doctor’s consultation room, I reached and got into another queue and my ears joined the discussion panel of patients, who were discussing article 370 abrogation. Seemingly one the patient, who had joined the debate, got into rage by saying that,we all Kashmiri people should boycott using Indian products and put subsidized rice of governmental fair price shops on exceptional platter. Suddenly someone in the discussion panel got his eyes focused on the weaning hairs of raging patient’s head, the flicks he had made younger with the lash of some cheap hair color. He pepped the debate by saying, what about hair color boycott ! Came reply to the jibe taking guy from a lady, sitting on the chair next to the raging patient, Hey ! How dare you say like that, why are you targeting my husband for applying hair color. Woe ! to the middle man, who arranged this near aged old match for me. Look at me, how young am I and look at him, the lady went further on by saying that, she got embarrassed yesterday because of her husband. Due to strike local barber wasn’t available and her husband applied hair color by himself during late night hours, as they had to meet some relatives next day. In haste he applied hair color even to his ear boundaries and half of his forehead and sadly it didn’t come off in the morning. She continued by saying that she intensely rubbed her husband’s ears and forehead with charcoal and her husband was left with injury marks on ear and forehead. Dash ! They arrived at her relatives home and came the questions of her husband’s ear and forehead injury, she was left red faced and was advised to use L’Oreal hair color for her husband in future. All people in the gallery were listening keenly to this lady and someone in the discussion panel advised the lady to use Henna on her husband’s hairs and it will tame her husband’s youth and it does come off easily on spare parts. In came the turn of the lady and she went inside the room and all were looking at her husband’s face with confused sympathy.

I was wondering about the framework concept of discussion, from where it started and where it ended. I started to count people in the queue ahead of me and checked time on my hand watch, suddenly on another side of gallery I heard people shouting “ yahan kya chalega “. Since I had many people ahead of me in the queue , I decided to check out about slogan shouting cause. I went there and found some brawl had happened; one of the non local labourer was supposedly given entry for doctor’s consultation without standing in queue and the non local guy might have bribed the peon to let him in. Among the crowd, one of the guy tagged room entry of non local labourer, as first attack on rights of Kashmiri people post article 370 abrogation. In rage and for such fear people had raised slogans in order to register their protest (before whom and for what, only God knows ). Finally the doctor was made to come out of his room to pacify the crowd, on sensible reason it was found that such non local guy was having medical emergency and was being advised by a private hospital to verify their test findings before such senior doctor. He was let inside the room by hospital in charge and no such bribery case was found. The crowd dispersed in a go and so started the fight on queue location that got disturbed while chanting slogans. Meanwhile I rushed back to my place and was let inside the doctors room, the doctor was checking a patient and I was standing inside the room for my turn. The doctor finished check up with the patient and I was about to sit on the patient chair in front of the doctor, suddenly there was a dash at the door and a middle pass peon came inside the room, pushing me aside, he made another patient sit on the vacant patient’s chair. I got startled and asked him, Hey ! How can you do so ? it is my turn ! Came his reply with his eyebrows flying in air, Well ! do you know about foreign body ? I replied, Foreign body ? what I have to do with that and your patient seems fine, he is standing and smiling like a normal person. Actually the peon might have heard this term of foreign body from some doctor’s mouth and might have concluded it as some life taking diseases, so he innocently used such terminology to make patients outside and inside doctor’s room get scared and give preferential place to his patient. I was awestruck and got confused and did not know what to say. A middle pass lecturing about foreign body diagnosis in a patient and the level of confidence within him. Finally the patient was relieved by the doctor as there was nothing serious and peon had made his night into horror by making possible risks related about foreign body invasion for such patient.

So finally came my turn and I grabbed the arms of chair, lest someone with pre diagnosis part will ruin my turn. After checkup I was relieved by the doctor and I hurriedly rushed towards the exit point of hospital. I came out of the hospital and thought to board an auto rickshaw, I waved at one of the auto rickshaw, in no moment I was on board and so started advice part by the auto driver, he said that I shouldn’t have visited such hospital as it was run by Chinese and Russian doctors ( cheeni and roosie dactar). He went on saying that he had got massive stone kidneys and was about to get operated by doctors of such hospital, until some local quack chemist cum doctor saved him from getting operated and put him on pain killer medic. He gave certification of ( temes chu diagnose ) to the chemist, which maximum quack chemist cum doctor is getting in kashmir. I intervened and told him, how can a chemist be a doctor and how can he diagnose a disease as he has no certification or required knowledge of such things. He got furious and tagged the chemist with some divine powers, he went on by saying that such diagnose chemist can treat terminal stage cancer patients with one single tablet. I asked him, ok ! how does such diagnose chemist treat patients with divine powers ? he replied by saying that such chemist makes his patients to drink some water, I asked him, what is so special about that water ? Came his reply, Shhhh! Don’t say like that, that water contains exhaled breathe of the chemist and it is mandatory for each visiting patient to drink such divine nectar and then only a patient will be cured. I Asked him, does such chemist charge money for such water ? he replied with yes and concluded that such chemist never asks money for water, but people give it with free will. I told him if such chemist doesn’t ask money for water openly, why has made water drinking ceremony so compulsory. The auto driver got so enraged that he angrily made me to get off from his auto rickshaw. I took my wallet to pay for my ride, he told that he doesn’t eat food earned from infidels and drove away with big rage on his face. I stood on the road with a thought , it was auto driver who started the discussion and it was he who ended it with rage. Why did he advise me on my visit to such hospital and what I had to with that divine chemist ? The scene at the hospital ticket vending corner, the scene outside doctor’s room, the scene inside the auto rickshaw . The innocence we have, the care we have, the love we have, the direction less and humor filled debates we are eager to join. This is what makes us unique and this is what makes us special.
(Views are his own, [email protected])

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